wanna go halves on a baby?
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
