i just wanna soil my oats bro
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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