I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
