If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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