Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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