i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
