**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
4 words: hood of his car
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
