Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
