I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
