Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
