true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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