if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Someone shattered a urinal.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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