Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
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