The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
