please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
