she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
