Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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