Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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