Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
