hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
