well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
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