and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
