oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
