never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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