I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
