If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
This baby is an asshole
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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