Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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