remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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