I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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