I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
