god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
