i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
