well I can't set my house on fire every night
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
