i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
