Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
