Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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