It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize