I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
