I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
