Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
