my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he thought i was a dude.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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