New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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