So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
