I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
