what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
