he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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