Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
