tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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