I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize