Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
