when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
