People in love make me want to vomit
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
