Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
