i will never coherently bang her
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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