with your own penis?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
