i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Houston, we have a blender
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
