Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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