My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
