I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
