I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Sober January is a disaster.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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