1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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