I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
whose parrot is this?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
