god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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