i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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